Nicole has not been feeling well since yesterday.
She is now on the 5th day of taking pancreatic enzymes on this cycle. She was having high fever and this morning her body temperature shot up to 39.5 degree. She found her food tasteless, which is understandable as she is having high fever.
Yesterday I consulted a surgeon to find ways to stop her internal bleeding. Unfortunately the surgeon sees no alternative but a major surgery to remove the tumor which is bleeding.
Nicole and I ruled out this option as the surgery is too high risk. Her oncologist also is of opinion that it is too high risk. The risk/reward equation does not favor going ahead with the surgery.
The second option to stop the bleeding is by radiation. Here again, the radiologist-oncologist is of opinion that a radiation will only stop the bleeding temporarily. Given the potential damage to the surrounding organs caused by radiation, the radiologist-oncologist is recommending no radiation. The collateral damage/ reward ratio does not justify radiation.
The third option that I discussed with the oncologist is another treatment of chemotherapy. She believes that it could stop the bleeding. We know the damage that chemo would cause to her immune system, but we are unable to asses the benefit as the chemo will be an attempt with no guaranteed positive results.
Finally the remaining option is to continue following Dr. Gonzalez's treatment and hopefully with time, the enzymes will have the upper hand and the tumor stops bleeding.
However, the doctors in Singapore are of opinion that the tumor is growing and the enzymes are not having any effect on the tumor.
Nicole has been experiencing indigestion,colitis and recently has started feeling a mass when she sits.
We know that the fever is caused by the enzymes. But she been experiencing pains and aches throughout her body.
We are faced with the choice between risking another treatment of chemo or continuing Dr' Gonzalez's treatment.
I am letting Nicole makes this choice as she is the one who is ill and it is her body.
Almost a year ago when she was found with cancer, I made the commitment to her that she is the one who ultimately will be taking decisions regarding her health. I am here as her chief of staff, ensuring that she gets all available information, assist her to weigh all possible options and then wait for her decision.
She is for continuing Dr Gonzalez treatment.
It has been 386 days since we returned to Singapore from New York where we found that Nicole had cancer.
Nicole has been showing extreme courage and will power to face her illness. She has shown a discipline of character, that I have witnessed during our partnership, that leaves me in admiration:
She continues to take almost 200 capsules daily, knowing very well that she would feel sick like a dog. She takes these capsules because she believes that this is the road to her controlling the cancer. She follows a very difficult diet - no meat, particularly no duck and no lamb which she enjoys, no sweets which are her delight - and a lot of raw food - in how many forms can one eats food raw?
And when her physical strength allows her, she regularly will do some physical activities and stretching in order to keep herself in good physical conditions.
She also has the force of character to realize that she might not make it. She has made it a point to spend quality time with each of our sons - sharing whatever she feels are important to share with each.
And we continue to spend some quality time together. Life for me revolves around her and her needs. Her illness is having a transformation effect on me. Slowly God has guided me to accept her illness. I have discovered the true meaning of :"Unconditional Love", to love a person for her own sake expecting nothing in return.
Taking care of Nicole is my way to show her and express how much I love her.
I deeply feel that it is indeed a privilege to love her.
I am so grateful to God that this part of my life journey with Nicole is having such a positive effect on me.
Yes I do feel down at times when I start thinking that she might not make it. But then I said to myself: "live the present moment - live now. Enjoy her presence, give her a massage if she needs it, be present to her - this is the gift of God." And I look at life positively and am grateful that our Lord gives me this insight.
Another day ends.
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