Jan 11, 2008, Singapore

To all of you who read my blog....i do not really know who you are...you could be my relatives, my friends, you may know me...as you may not know me personally..you could be Maurice's friends or my sisters' friends or you may be friends of my friends....whoever you are ...i may not know you neither...i may not know whether you believe in God or whether you are an atheist...anyway, whatever your faith is I respect it.

I've been born and brought up in a catholic family...went to a catholic school...my whole life i've believed that there is a God, that there is a life after death....My whole life I've been longing for a personal close relationship with God...I always told myself...only priests and nuns can have a close personal relationship with God since they've given their lives to God already...and they have nobody else...Whereas we, as lay people, as married women , we have our husbands, our children etc. who are our priorities in our lives...the people we live for , we care for, the most...etc...and we've always been told that God shows His love to us through our family , through our children...

But I always asked myself this question...we too , lay people, we can have a close personal relationship with God and how do we get it???

Anyway, life has gone on....and today i'm going through a hard time and I think today God is answering my prayers...my life right now i would say "c'est pas un cadeau!" as we would say in french...which means it's not fun...in fact it's a daily struggle...

Since i'm still losing blood and i'm anaemic i feel really tired...and weak and i have to go to bed and lie down...On top of that the high dose of pancreatic enzymes are making me feel unwell too...so, on some days, i'm really discouraged...I would just sit down and cry and ask God..."please,, have mercy on me...let me feel that you are still here in my life and that you care for me...

And during the last 10 days or so...He had been answering my prayers...Usually at 2.30a.m. i put the alarm clock to wake me up so that i can take my last dose of pancreatic enzymes for the day...on some days i'm not too tired and i will just get up and have them..on some days i will switch off my alarm clock and go back to sleep..but that morning i guess i was tired and i switched off the alarm clock and went back to sleep but then i heard Jesus telling me :Get up , go drink your pancreatic enzymes...at 6a.m. I usually do not put the alarm clock to wake me up for my first pancreatic enzymes...and this morning again I heard Jesus calling me...Get up ...it's time for your pancreatic enzymes...and i got up...my heart full of gratitude ...and joy...Tks Jesus...So you, really ,are present in my life...! Tks for letting me know.Tks so much for this gift.


A few mornings after , as usual, I got up for my daily routine and went to the bathroom for my coffee enema...and I heard a voice say :Je suis ton Dieu! N'aie pas peur....I am your God ..do not be afraid...and I could not keep myself from crying and saying :God tks so much...You really are here in my life and tks for letting me know...

I know these tangible signs of God's presence in our lives should not be the most important thing...we should believe ...through our faith... that indeed He is in our lives...but, sometimes, when things go too tough we really need these little signs of His love to be able to keep on going.

I am a private person...i do not like to reveal myself to many people...and yet I feel that I have to share this with you ...

Another insight that I got from God these last days is "letting go"..having been a wife, a housewife, a mother , for the last 37 years somehow i've learnt to be in control...and today , with my situation, I have no more control and i keep telling myself :you have to let go and leave things in God's hands...easy said than lived...

So my mantra these last few days had been :Jesus you are in charge...not me....

Keep on praying for me...i need them...and let's thank God for His blessings...and Love.

.Love, Nicole