Today we celebrate our 36th wedding anniversary. On waking up I wished Nicole a happy anniversary. Her reply was most revealing of her state of mind" Will I see our 37th wedding anniversary?". It was about 3.30 am this morning. Nicole was obviously not in a good spirit. She was not feeling well. She was feeling tired of the efforts she has to make to live with her illness. Suddenly, she was losing hope. She was feeling irritated. She even could not pray.
I was feeling helpless, unable to comfort her. I managed to encourage her to go to church. Huguette and Bobby joined us and we went to St Ignatius church to attend mass at 8.00 am. After mass, we paid a visit to Maud. This was somewhat a welcome break. Back home, Nicole could not rest. She was feeling a lot of pain and felt very distressed. She started to question the utility of the chemo therapy. Fortunately, a massage in the afternoon at the American club soothed her. Still she was not feeling well. After an early dinner, I sat with her, just holding her. She finally felt asleep, due to the sleeping tablet that she took.
It is difficult for me to fathom what Nicole is feeling. To be afflicted with cancer and to know that these cancer cells are attacking her body is a terrible emotional stress. She at times surely is angry that she is fighting for her life while I am physically fit and worst while I neglect my body by not doing some exercises. Which was the case this morning. She was jumping on the trampoline and I was sitting at my computer. She was upset that I was at my computer instead of exercising.
I also could not stop myself from thinking that this could be our last wedding anniversary together. I paid particular attention to every single minute of this day, paying attention to Nicole, how she feels, what she does and enjoying her presence. It was not easy given her state of mind and her mood today.
The few moments I was alone, I had flashes of our married life during these last 36 years. Our many moments of happiness, but also some painful memories. It is only when confronted with the serious illness of one's life partner that I realize how futile were the issues over which we had been fighting in the past. So much time wasted because of my ego. We both got married carrying our emotional baggage from our past. Unfortunately we did not have much guidance in dealing with these emotional baggage. Nicole used to say that it is only when we come to terms with our childhood wounds that we can relate in an adult way with each other. Well for me, it is also the ego. This unconscious inner self which hides my true self, reacting according to scripts learned when I was a child and which are no longer appropriate in an adult setting. My sense of reality gets distorted by what goes on in my inner theater.
Well the illness of Nicole is causing me to question the way I look at our relationship and at life. Why are we on this earth? Nicole was asking this question? What is God's plan for her? Has she been able to accomplish it? How can she accomplish it if she does not know what's the plan?
Her illness is definitely prompting me to prepare myself for my own death. Can I die today in peace, knowing that I have accomplished what I was supposed to have accomplished here? I do not know the answer.
It is time to find the answer!
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3 comments:
Dear Maurice and Nicole:
Thank you so much for sharing your good times and not so good times with us. It is a wonderful gift you are both giving to us. Hopefully, some of us will learn from your experience, even though we are humans and tend to forget how good we have it, until a disaster happens to us.
Nicole and I have been friends since childhood, i.e. elementary school. My earliest memory of meeting Nicole was in Standard Sixth. She has always been a bright intelligent girl, and even though she was younger than us, she was already in the same class as us, who were either one year or two years older than her --that's super intelligence ! Besides that, I always know that Nicole was a a beautiful girl, the reason, Maurice chose her as his partner, besides so many girls who were running after Maurice! hmm !
I will write some more anecdotes of my long friendship with Nicole.
Nicole: I would'nt mind you publishing the above, if you think it's appropriate. I think it's fun to let others know you as a joyful human being besides someone who is sick. I love the pictures.
Much love
Suzanne
Dear Nic and Maurice:
Thank you so much for sharing your good and not so good times with us. It is a gift that you are giving us, and hopefully some of us will learn from your sharing, even though we are humans and tend to forget so easily until a disaster hits us.
Nic and I have been friends since childhood --wow that's a long time.My earliest memory of meeting Nic is in the Sixth grade at Loreto Convent. How can a girl younger than me, and others by one or two years be in our class !! She soon proved us that she was mighty intelligent to catch up with us ! I always think of Nic as a beautiful woman, the reason why Maurice chose her over so many other girls that were running after him !! Happy Anniversary.
Nic: If you think it's appropriate, you can publish. I want to share what a joyful,lively, bubbly person you are besides being one who is sick. I enjoy the pictures very much,
Much affection
Suzanne
Dad,
this posting was very moving. I had to pause while reading to hold back the emotion and tears.
Such perspective has helped me to furthermore appreciate the precious moments such as holding Nina's hand while doing a simple thing such as going to get the mail outside. Yes, it's temporarily warm enough.
Love,
Your son
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