Nicole is asleep. It has been a long day. Nicole woke up in a state totally different from that of yesterday. She was lethargic and felt drained. I also felt quite off form as I did not sleep well. I just could not sleep. So my lack of sleep was a big handicap in my caring for Nicole. She had no appetite for breakfast but went through the motion of eating as she is losing weight.
We went to the American Club - Nicole for a massage. I took the opportunity to go to the gym. It has been a long time since I last went to the gym. I worked out for 60 minutes. I much needed this. After gym, I went to the Club's library to wait for Nicole.
She did not had a good massage session. She was tense and was only relaxed during the last 30 minutes. She looked exhausted. The side effects of the chemo drugs were affecting her. She just cried. We ordered food from the Club to bring home to eat. After eating some food, she felt a little better but this did not last long. She felt discouraged, lost her fighting spirit, weak and drained. Unfortunately she could not sleep as she was agitated. We tried to pray. She just could not meditate. She was feeling pain in her abdomen. I called the oncologist, Dr Wong who reassured me that there was nothing wrong with Nicole. Dr Wong prescribed another type of pain killer. I had to fetch the pain killer from her clinic. I was reluctant to leave Nicole alone but had no choice.
Nicole was able to have some food and this gave her some strength. Anna called and her conversation with Anna uplifted her spirit. I called Annette and Nicole's chat with Annette also was very helpful. Nicole's spirit was boosted and she wanted to prepare our place to welcome Annette and Huguette who are arriving tomorrow.
We did not go for a walk. We just sat being present to each other. I prepared some food but it did not taste good to Nicole. The chemo drugs side effects make food tasteless. Since then it was all downhill. Nicole was in despair, discouraged, no will to fight. "Why do I have to die so early" she asked. "I want to have some more years!". I just did not know what to reply.
We do not know what lies ahead. But today has been a very painful and trying one. We both felt intense emotions of helplessness, sadness, despair but also felt that we are not alone. We also both thought of Clement.
We got a very timely email from Roby. I printed it for Nicole but she just could not finish reading it as she was crying too much.
I encouraged Nicole to call it a day. She slept holding my arms, needing reassurance and comfort.
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