Since yesterday afternoon, Nicole has not been feeling well.
Today has been a painful day for her.
I have been overwhelmed by what she is going through right now. Here is an extract of an email I wrote to one of my very good friend:
"Living what Nicole is experiencing certainly helps me to understand that it must have been very difficult for Joe and his wife to live through this period of their life.
While I deeply wish that a miracle does happen in Nicole's case, I see her illness as a blessing in that it allows us to prepare ourselves for what we all are destined: to die so that our spirit is freed of its physical limitation of our body to be fully in the presence of God.
Having said this, our human condition does challenge us as we have a physical body and a human mind and psyche.
Nicole suffers tremendously, physically - she is so weak that she has no desire to do anything, mentally - "I cannot continue to endure all these pains and psychologically - what if I do not get cured, then I prefer to die early so that I suffer less than to drag on living and suffer". This is our daily challenge. As her husband and life partner, I have always viewed my role as safeguarding her from physical suffering and hardship, ensuring that she enjoys an environment where she feels secure of her future and there was no need to worry of what will happen to her. This model is no longer valid -it is obsolete. I have difficulty finding a new operational model.
Yes I do put my trust in God. I try to let go. But this is not my life. It is not I who is undergoing all this pain. It is not I who is fighting for survival. However, the irony could be that I die before her!
I am taking one day at a time."
May God bless you who reads this blog. Good night.
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