Day 13 Singapore January 28, 2007 - 20.28 hrs

Today has been an up and down day. Nicole woke up early. She did some bouncing to stimulate the flow of her lymphatic fluid, prepared her morning juice and did some cleaning of the kitchen.
We both went to the 8.30 am mass at Novena and we walked back home.

I particularly noted the letter of St Paul to the Corinthians - Love. What a detailed description of love. I said to myself "this is the answer to the meaning of God is love - St Paul tells what is love". Quite a daunting task to practice love for me a human being and husband during this journey with Nicole.

Maud and Ronnie paid us a visit and it was a welcome break by Nicole as she was getting edgy and bored at home. It was a short visit as Nicole got tired quickly.

We rested a while and Nicole was in communion with the family at the 10.00 hrs Mauritius time mass. I was completely knock off - I slept all through the early afternoon.

Nicole wanted to get out of the apartment and after some hesitation, we went by taxi the botanical garden for a good walk. We then sat on a bench, keeping quiet. Nicole was in her own world, enjoying the garden with her head on my lap. I was sitting trying just to be, enjoying the present moment. I could not prevent myself from asking whether we shall be doing this more often.

Life has now a different meaning. I feel I am no longer in control. I guess I did not realized that I was never in control. But I built myself a world of comfort where I assumed that I was in control of my life, our life, deciding where we want to be, what we want to do and happily leading a quiet life. This came crumbling on the morning of January 5th when Dr Iris Orbuch called me on the phone to tell me that Nicole has cancer. Since then life has been just a series of rapid events to know what treatment to follow. We are fortunate that we got Dr. Iris Orbuch who referred Nicole to Dr. E. Poynor - very professional and guided us. Then came into the picture Dr. Karmen Wong of Singapore. She is very professional, explains her thought process and treatment options and which treatment she recommends. She gave us the probability of the drugs being effective but more important, she prayed with us that the treatment she is recommending and that we have accepted works. Here is medical doctor praying that the chemo drugs work. Dr Wong sought also the opinions of other doctors and we are grateful to Bob for getting a team of doctors from Maryland, USA to look at Nicole's medical case. This team of US doctors exchanged views and opinion with Dr K. Wong and we feel confident that Nicole is getting the best treatment for her case.


So many decisions in such a short period of time - decisions that have an impact on Nicole's life. I am glad and I am grateful to God that my training and professional life have given me the possibilities to take decisions. Looking back at these last 23 days, there has been decisions that was right - D&C in New York, seeing Dr Poynor, not doing the surgery in NY. Bad decision was doing the colonoscopy in NY. We could have done it in Singapore and get the biopsy of the tumor done at the same time. Not too sure if it was the right decision to travel via Mauritius but the upside is that we met the relatives and this is very a big moral booster. However, MK flight delay was traumatic. Waiting to get all the facts for treatment was a good decision though I was afraid that we might be running out of time. Let us hope that going for chemo proves to be the right decision.

Both Nicole and I are extremely grateful that Marga & Sylvestre came over to join us in NY. Your presence did help us a lot and gave us much needed support at that time. We were at peace leaving the children in your good hands.

Feeling wise - I could not help but cry when I learned about the cancer of Nicole. I do not cry easily. I was brought up with the rule that "Man does not cry". I could talk to Marga when we spoke on the phone and I broke down when I call Harold to tell him that Dr Poynor has discovered another tumor. I was so lost. The cancer has spread.
Despair - at times I feel desperate - I do not know what to do when Nicole is in pain.
Angry - yes I am mad at the gyne who missed the cancer.
Fear - yes I am just scared if Nicole's situation gets worst if I shall be able to be her support and be with her.
However, I have faith in God. I have a feeling that Mary is beside me, walking with me. I rarely have been praying Mary. However, during our last visit to Paris, Nicole and I went to mass at Rue du Bac chapel. Strangely enough, suddenly I had the intuition that there was something wrong with Nicole's health. And here I was in the chapel with this insight that Mary appeared here in this very place and I started to pray Mary, with the feeling that I am starting a relationship of prayer with Mary. Since that day, Mary is always present in my prayers - she is praying with me.

Calling a day and the week. Life is a gift.